John Allen Muhammad Meet Oscar Mayer

Once again my heart yearns for justice-not! Today the commonwealth of Virginia will execute John Allen Muhammad. Under Virginia laws, the soon to be chicken fried Muhammad actually has a choice to make concerning his death. Lethal injection or electrocution? Paper or plastic? Justice or injustice?

After watching The Green Mile for the fourth time, I would suggest that lethal injection would be somewhat better than having your eyes explode. "I didn't know the sponge was supposed to be wet." That's just me though...

Injustice is giving these guys a choice. They don't have a choice in Mississippi. Basically, they don't need one. I think the last time we executed anybody Jefferson Davis was president of the confederacy. That's injustice!

I don't consider being executed "paying" the price. To me when a serial killer is executed I think that a lot of pain should be involved before death. Like letting them choose the food for their last meal. Anything with Oscar Mayer in the name is sufficient. That's not injustice. That's payback!

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Do You Have A Hard Drive Brain?

Wouldn't it be nice if your mind worked like a computer's hard drive? Imagine being able to remember anything and everything and only deleting the bad parts. Then having the ability to click a button and make sure that everything is running smoothly. If not? No problem...scan your brain and fix any abnormalities. Sheesh!

I wonder what the downsides to having such a mind could be. Any? Take crashes for instance. Well, I do that all the time. Basically my mind melts when in contact with too much of anything good, e.g, a hot babe half my age is always a reason for brain farts and then a crash. Taking too much NyQuil...mind numbing.

Hell, so what if my brain melts? I could do a quick fix via a scan or a brain boot disc and...*wham* normal brain function again. Perhaps computers should have come before people. Then maybe this could have happened. The PCBrains vs. the MacBrains! All out war!

It doesn't work that way though. As most, but sadly not all, of us are aware. Today, for instance, I've already looked for my coffee cup twice even though it was in my hand six minutes ago. I put clothes in the washer but didn't turn on the washer. I called a friend and then forgot why.

No rewind, replays, reruns or instant recall of anything. If my brain were a hard drive I wouldn't be here now. I would be sitting in some museum of old, outdated, primitive computers with a picture of a 12 year old Bill Gates holding me in his hand.

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The Times

Once again the staff and editors of The Sunday Suck-Up Times are on a weekend "working" retreat in the working retreat paradise of Cairo, Ill.. I know, I know. We will miss you too. However, the staff has chosen another important and socially relevant news video from our sister information source, The Onion, to leave you with on this Sunday. Please indulge yourself...

From The Onion-America's Finest News Source:



Victim In Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn Beck

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Jimi, Janis And Bicardi Equals Injustice!

Speak of injustice? No? Well listen to this... I never was one to study. I mean my study habits, or lack thereof, were a constant problem for me. Oh, my grades were okay but not good. Remember how some people seemed like they never studied but always made the honor roll?

Remember that crap? Cheaters! How about those that would only occasionally open a book but always "aced" their fuggin' exams. Huh? Cheaters!

When it came time to perform well I had to buckle down and study. Study consisted of opening a book. Turn on some Janis Joplin or Jimi Hendrix, and break the seal on a fifth of Bicardi. Then I would flip through the assigned pages. By the time I finished I was convinced I had done my studying for the night.

I couldn't bust 80 on an exam. Maybe 85 if I only drank half the bottle. Others were out all night with friends, but they were pulling straight A's and 3.7's and such crap! Why was I being targeted by the grades Gods? Was there a conspiracy to force me to work selling lawnmowers at Sear's for the rest of my life?

Seems like such an injustice even now. The people that succeeded are now doctors, lawyers, Wall Street moguls and bankers. Hmm, success doesn't sound so great when I put it like that. I'm not too sure I'd want to be any of those at the moment. I knew the Bicardi was my friend. No cares, no stress, no shit!

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The Rodney Dangerfield Of Traffic Signs

Yield is not an uncommon word nor is it a stranger to drivers. However, with many, if not most younger drivers, the word seems incomprehensible. I'm not sure if the word is foreign to them, but it has to be the most ignored word on the roads today.

Around the local university there are several intersections with clearly visible yield signs posted. Apparently, drivers pulling into traffic seem to believe that's meant for other lanes of cars and not theirs.

Once a student blew a yield sign right in front of me and cut me off. She darted into a parking lot about a block away with me on her tail. I edged up to her driver's side window and asked if she knew what a yield sign meant. Her reply was something like, "Yes sir. It means I can go if I want to." I couldn't help but laugh.

I am not sure if driver's education courses still exist in schools or not. Perhaps they've been replaced by creative cardboard cutout classes or the money is spent funding high school daycare, but students in a hurry to make classes or caught up in a texting frenzy commonly ignore the lonely little yield sign.

It's the Rodney Dangerfield of traffic signs...no respect...!

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To The Gay Dude That eMails Me-

I live by certain rules dictated by homophobia, and then there are the important ones. "Don't judge a book by it's cover" is not one of them, however. I have prejudged you. Most of the time I'm wrong, but I delight in judging you and making fun of you. See, it's a way to minimize my faults. I think I'm better than I am if I convince myself that I'm surrounded by idiots and retards. Anyway, back to the homophobic thing...

If I see a guy taking extra "care" picking out cucumbers or zucchini at the grocery then I assume he is probably gay-like you. You will fondle the cukes much like many women I've seen. Me? Being a homophobe, and not wanting to appear gay, I just toss a handful in a bag and hope they're not rotten.

If I'm strolling through a mall, and you are with another guy and are looking at man's underwear together, it's a cinch that you must be gay. Who else but a gay guy would want the "approval" of another guy about his choice of underwear? Oh, and the purple Oprah boxers aren't you!

I don't hate you because you are gay, but I'm not going to sit here and piss down your back and tell you it's raining either. Hell, if I did that I'd be about as useful as chicken shit on a pump handle. No, I'm not going to tell you that I have gay friends. I don't. I don't want any, and lose the Maybelline cookie!

Please, if you are one of the people that may say something like, "Well, gee whiz asshole you're a narrow minded bigot! You should love everybody you son of a bitch. You hate monger!". If you are one of those, then know that I reserve the right to dislike anything and anyone I choose. Thank you and good day!

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