Bring Back The Boys!

  From that bastion of fair play, compassion, sensitivity, love, intellect and bullshit, I give you Waldo - the racist watermelon seed. At the California State Fair, as most state fairs, there is of course artwork and art contests. Colusa county entered a picture that symbolized the counties diversity of seed crops - fair enough. This little piece of blasphemy depicted a watermelon seed, a pumkpin seed, a cucumber and tomato seed.
  A black couple apparently with nothing to do were strolling by when suddenly to their great horror they noticed Waldo! They instantly felt the pains of bondage that every white American had inflicted upon their ancestors. Slavery in the form of a watermelon seed! Yes, they bitched and whined until officials removed this piece of social filth from the fair altogether. They claimed that seeing the picture of this watermelon seed with eyes reminded them of a "happy black slave eating watermelon." Well now I wasn't around in those days but based on what little I do know, I would think that a slave of any color devouring a juicy slice of watermelon would have been happy. Yeah, yeah I know - not the point.
  The art was drawn by some kids at a Colusa county juvenile hall. We call them detention centers here. The "hall" is composed of 40% black kids, 40% hispanic kids...I guess that means I'm 20% "other." I'm having two problems here. One is the obvious insincere and totally irresponsible and stupid character of this couple that cried over their ancestors pain due a cartoon depiction of a watermelon seed eating itself. Two, perhaps even more of a problem for me, why the hell did these punks even draw these particular seeds. Gee, let's see now. A watermelon seed is black. Could the cuke seed have been white? Maybe a pumpkin seed was asian huh? Oh and lest we forget the lonely little red tomato seed. Hmmm, possibly representing an illegal or maybe Crazy Horse's family. Oh shit yeah it's all there...Trying to brainwash a bunch of losers with a bunch of nonsense ain't gonna get it!
  I say bring back the boys! Those Crazy California Raisins. Yo boys! You da shit!-Time to hunker down. Gustav knocks-Don.

I Need To Know- Beano?

  Now I realize that people become flatulent once in awhile, but when I discovered that my dinner date one night was carrying, rather overtly too, a small bottle of Beano in her purse on the way to the restaurant the entire evening just went sliding into the depths of Hell in a handbasket!
  I did not need to see that. Now see, I have these premonition like occurrences from time to time.That night it was that I would not be happy sitting at a nice place to eat and listening to my date fart! May not be a premonition, but it sure as f*ck was disturbing. How could I possibly enjoy eating when I kept wondering if after leaving the restaurant she would begin singing out of her ass - and out of tune too! F*ck this sh*t...
  Well, if she did fart then she was the silent type. I didn't even notice her leaning in her chair or make any unusual facial expressions. An inappropriate smile is almost always a dead give away, but I never saw one of those either. So far so good. That was soon to change though. She excused herself to go to the bathroom right before we left to go home. I knew right away what that meant. Break out the Beano boys. When she got back to the table she sipped a little water, and all I could think of after that was how far it was back to her place.
  Once back at her apartment she asked me to come in for a minute. How f*cking sweet. I said no. As I turned around to head back to the car, WHAM! Thunder I first thought. Nope. The Beano missed it's mark! She couldn't even wait until I got to my car. Damn ingrate. From now on if I ever get into that situation again I'm going to just take her to Cracker Barrel for a delicious bowl of hot oatmeal and a quick get away.-An observation from the flip side-Don.

Lookie What I See!

  So here's a pic of McCains' vice presidential choice - Governor Palin of Alaska. So let me get straight to the skinny here. Damn, she's hot! Now that's a great looking and sexy mom. That's all that matters to me anyway...See, the better looking a prez or v.p. then the more I'll pay attention to what's going on in the world of politics which, of course, is why we're all here.
  Seeing her reminds me of a time long, long time ago and in a far, far away place. I went to town with some buddies of mine. We went to see a porn movie at this sleazey joint. We fit right in. I don't remember the movie that well - I mean some of it. I do remember that one of the female "stars" was playing the role of a school teacher. Most of you have probably seen this role before in movies or on t.v. Where the hot woman trys to play this stuffy broad and/or "professional" something...she's got the hair up and the glasses on? Palin reminds me of that type in the looks department. When I first saw her my very first thought was, "Damn, look at that hair (it was as in the picture above)." I then thought about that porn movie and if John McCain and I were on the same wavelength here.
  I think that most women wearing glasses are kind of sexy anyway. I'm not sure why. It must remind me of one of my school teachers that I had a crush on, or it could be that I think of a girl named Jennifer I once knew that had that thing about her. You knew Jennifer was good looking behind the specs and "put-up" hair. Unfortunately, she was a total bitch - damned good looking one too!
  If McCain wins then I'll certainly be following politics closer (at least from the White House). If he doesn't win then I suppose that I'll have to accept Joe Biden in place of Palin and get over it. I'll get over it ok. I'll get over it from in front of a nice warm fireplace in Alaska huddled next to some nearsighted school teacher!-Now you know-Don.

Is The Taco Bell Closing Too?

  Early Monday morning - about 7:30 a.m. - federal I.C.E. agents came down on a manufacturing plant about 20 minutes from here. They were "detaining" illegal immigrants that were unlawfully employed there. Duh! The agents' final tally of illegals was 595 Mexicans, 2 minors and 1 German who thought he was in Milwaukee. Homeland Security says it was the largest raid in the U.S. at one single location in their history.
  Wal*Marts around here are cutting prices on everything (especially corn meal and bananas) for the expected sudden reduction in Mexican shoppers. The price of bratwurst is expected to remain the same. The supervisor of the school district in which this plant was located said Tuesday that 50% of Spanish speaking kids were not in school that day. Lets' see now, their papas are in LA. in a detention center. Las madres are now modeling new ankle bracelets and stuck at home for now...The school district supervisor also noted that due to the sudden drop in Mexican students the district will now have a budget excess and the school lunch program may go back to serving pork on Fridays.
  My biggest concerns are for my friends who now may find it difficult to get their lawns maintained and pools cleaned! Indians from the Asian sub-continent have begun closing local motels and hotels along with convenience stores in anticipation of another massive raid. The coastal fishing communities are also looking for large numbers of asians to get back on their boats and head south to the Mexican border with Guatemala hoping to vie for jobs as "Chiquita representatives" [see inset] or pearl divers. It's a sad state of affairs all because of one lousy company. Blame it on global warming! ...Oh yeah, the white folks and black folks that are indigenous (that means from there) to that area are now staking claim to all of those jobs previously held by the illegals. Now that will make a family proud! Ah sweet life! You are so beautiful! La dolce vida.-A little rant and my general observation-Don.
 

Military What? Who? Me?

The year was 1968. My parents thought it would be good if I ship off to military school. I thought it not. They gave me two choices. I could either go and try to make something of myself, or I could go and suck it up! I went and sucked it up.
For some reason, even though my grades in public school were exemplary by my standards, they thought it "best" for me. In 1966 they sent me to a military style summer camp in Delafield, Wisconsin! It was called St. John's. Holy shit, not only was it military, but it was named after a disciple! I've never felt so abandoned!

When I arrived at Baylor in Chattanooga some old man told me I had to get a close haircut. I was like, "No shit old man. You mean no f*cking pony tails?" I knew I had to come up with an escape route. Hell, if I could just get into town I could get lost...there was a couple of theaters that showed porn flicks too. First thing that I noticed was a train track running through the center of campus, and it was actually being used regularly. I guess that was the f*cking Chattanooga Choo-Choo. To me it was escape route one. As I was being groomed for whatever the hell they groomed us for, I hatched escape route two. I could slip out of my dorm late - after the bugler had played taps and finished his weed. I then would make my way across the quad to a nearby tree. From there I could slide down a hill to a road where before me was the aforementioned train track, a working train, town and a couple of porn theaters. Route 2 became easy because while I was terribly busy studying and looking good in my gray wool uniform, I was getting to know a girl I became very fond of. Her name was Polly. It still is I guess. Her father was an Episcopalian pastor in town. Since I valued my freedom more than his sanctity I took advantage of his daughter. She became my get away driver...she'd take me back to campus too, after a day of unauthorized leave.
Two grueling years later I graduated. In two years I got a good education, 1 free train ride, numerous visits to the seedy side of town to see the fun I could have been having, smoked 1 joint with a bugler, had several sexual encounters with a preacher's daughter (in the backseat of his car in the church parking lot) and last but not least, I found out that Ex-lax in chocolate pudding will make an old man shit for days!-Never was caught-Don.

Ho Hum...Another Award--

Ettarose gave this award to me, and now it is my duty as one damned generous and reasonably fair son of a bitch to do likewise - not give it to myself - but I shall, with all of my heart, award the Green Badge of Blog to one of my favorites. She is a regular visitor to Beyond Left Field proving that she writes better than she reads. Without further adieu (?) I pass this award (like passing gas) to "thinknfyou"! She is the proud creator of Writing Quiets The Voices In My Head... Check it out today!

Here's To You Mrs. Robinson

For those too young to remember the movie "The Graduate", it was about an older woman (Anne Bancroft) seducing a much younger dude (Dustin Hoffman). Naturally, it was complicated because that's what made it interesting..."Plastics young man, plastics!" Blah, blah, blah. That was fiction. This is not.
In 1991 there was this very attractive 50 year old woman that I worked with. I got along well with her. Apparently, better than I thought. I was 38. She frequently asked me to come over to her house. Naturally, because I'm Mr. Congeniality, I went. She had a hot daughter anyway. This lady was estranged from her hubby - not divorced. He was a real asshole though. I was simply divorced and had been for a few years. So, wearing a brand new jock strap, I would go over and swim in her pool and pretend I was having fun. I was really interested in the daughter though. I'm such a whore! I've been flirted with quite a few times, but this was unadulterated seduction. It wasn't too bad unless I began to drool or sneeze and blow snot out of my nose. That happened once. She pretended to ignore it.
Anyway, we had this thing going on for about 3 months. She finally wore me out. Damned lady must have been popping a little testosterone with that estrogen. She was insane! That'll never happen again. If I had something going on with a lady 13 years my senior now, she'd be 68 friggin' years old! Something about that just "yanks my chain".-Christ! What memories-Don.

Why Dogs Skid Their Butts Across Your Carpet (published - 7/13/08)

• Seems a lot of people own a lot of dogs that have a lot of butt issues. I wondered just what it was about a dog that made them do the butt skid thing. Ever Google a "butt skid?" I'm here to tell ya, there's a lot of that going on these days. The answer seems to be either that the pup has worms or a problem with some sort of anal gland . One person said to take the dog to the vet and have the anal glands "expressed." I think he means to say "smashed with a hammer." Maybe not...
• Now, it comes to me that when I was a deliriously happy little kid crawling around the house in a diaper that I must've done a butt skid or two. I mean ya got a toy in one hand, maybe a bottle in the other, you're too uncoordinated at that age to swap hands or just put something down. So, your butt itches and you do your first butt skid. I would imagine that butt skidding becomes another form of crawling or something similar. Anyway you would achieve this milestone before learning to walk. As we get older and more mature though, we just scratch our asses with our hands-sometimes in public.
• People do get worms and we do have anal glands of sorts-hemmoroids. Hence, it must be ok to do butt skids at any age. I mean because dogs do. I've never had my hemmoroids smashed with a hammer at a docs' office though. I would never pay a doctor to do that when I could just get a friend to do it. Know what I mean? Well, seeing how a dog is configured, I suppose I can understand better why they do the butt skid-usually across the cleanest carpet in the house too. Just like we wouldn't reuse the same piece of toilet paper, I don't guess a dog will wipe his ass on dirty carpet.
• Ever notice that when a dog does a skid that it closely resembles a gymnastics move? I think that it is in men's gymnastics...guess I could write about that next. It happens when the gymnast is on the parallel bars and he just raises both of his legs straight up above his head. He gets points for that too. I wonder if maybe his butt is really itching him. I don't think dogs do it for fun. I know they don't. I would slap my dog and say NO! He'd still skid. If he were doing it just for fun, I think that he'd do it where I couldn't scold him.
• I suppose we shouldn't get too angry when our pet pooch does a butt skid on our really clean carpet. Look at it this way. Let's reverse roles here. Say you are the pet and your dog is the master. You must rely on your dog for all of your needs-everything. You know that your master may bite you if you do something wrong. You risk it anyway because you are really dumb and walk on all-fours. Ok, your ass itches. What do you do? Do you ask your master-the dog- to scratch your ass for you? Do you say, "Hey boss, my butt itches. Will you take me to the doctor?" Hell no...you do the old skidderoo right in front of him. Besides, remember, you can't speak. That just makes matters worse.
• I never did guess that when I was in the middle ages of my life that a butt skid would be a central topic for me to write about...even spend any time on at all. I suppose it's just like my old dad used to say when I was a kid. He used to say, "You just think you know everything. Wait until you get older." Well dad, I don't know everything...especially when it comes to butt skids. I do know this, however, I'll never scold another pet dog for a butt skid as long as I can scratch my ass!-Just a thought or two-Don.

Hold The Chili Cheese Dogs

There used to be an ice cream shop in town called Seale-Lily. That was a long time ago. One of my former baseball coaches owned the store. Britt sold not only ice cream but the "fountain" selections of food. Sandwiches, burgers and hot dogs...like that.
My dad used to take us there after church sometimes instead of a restaurant. I liked this better. One Sunday we wanted to go by there and get a simple little lunch followed by some ice cream. No problem. Dad swung by the shop. My whole family went too. We sat in a booth. I remember speaking to coach Britt - hoping he'd give me some extra food - fries would've worked. No dice. Asshole! He wasn't that good of a coach anyway...

I ordered two chili-cheese dogs with onions and fries. Hell yeah, I'm hungry. Maybe not. You know how people tend to eat a little too fast when they're hungry? I was and I did. Then I ate some ice cream. We sat around a few minutes to do the family bonding thing. Hell, I was ready to go home and do the neighborhood bonding thing.
As we got up to leave, I begin to feel pukie. I made it outside almost to the car, but I couldn't take another step before barfing up two chili-cheese dogs. I didn't notice the fries though. Selective vomit I suppose. Shit, my parents were asking if I was all right. Hell yeah, but I'm hungry again! So when I got home I ate another sandwich. Probably peanut butter and jelly. One of my all time favorites. I do remember tasting the onions that I barfed for the next few days. Everything I ate tasted like onion. Even my Jello at school had a gross onion flavor to it.
The next week I was asked to come to a friend's birthday party. You got it! Hot dogs! He got toys and games and I got a choice of a hot dog plain or with ketchup. I was like, "...hot dog for hot dogs! Wow, yum...!" I ate one plain dog and a piece of cake and got sick again. I didn't touch another hot dog for a couple of years I guess. I don't have a problem with them anymore except when I look at one I get indigestion and start farting. I think my body is just getting warmed up for the real thing. Whatever my issue with hot dogs was I'm glad it's over because I'm grilling some tonight at the behest of my roomate...Except this time they're being served with cold beer!-A good wiener is worth a puke and a gag-Don.

Guess Who's Coming To Dinner?

more animals

Looks Like Who?

  I'm good friends with a girl who's name shall remain anonymous, thus I'll call her Ann.  Ann and I met about 3 years ago at the apartment complex we were living in.  She was a college student.  I was a worldly guy.  She hadn't seen too many places.  I hadn't seen too many either, but she thought I had. I left it at that.

  Ann and I became pretty close.  She would come visit me at 7:00 a.m before work, at 5:30 p.m. after work and again around 7:00 p.m. after dinner.  Ann was sweet, smart, a little too sensitive and possessive.  I saw the sensitivity issue and possessiveness in her early on so I was prepared. However, their was something about her that always bothered me.  Something about her, quite frankly, worried me.

  She was voluptuous mainly because she had a pair of 2500 dollar boobs.  She liked to show them off.  I liked her to show them off.  Something, though, just wasn't kosher.  It wasn't her perfect breasts that bothered me either, but there was something I couldn't quite put my finger on going on there.

  One evening Ann and I went to this local bar (she called them clubs because she thought bars were trashy).  We were sitting down having a drink and Bam!  Whamo!  Kaboom!  Pow!  It hit me...she looked like Kobe Fucking Bryant!  No shit!  Kobe Fucking Bryant.  I don't even like basketball, but him?  Why not Tom Brady or some other nice looking male athlete?

Oh Geez.  I thought, "She's really cute.  She really is.  Nice boobies too.  Real nice.  Oh crap!"  It must've been the light, but it didn't matter.  No matter how nice she looked or sweet and cute she acted, I could not get past her face looking like Kobe Fucking Bryant.

  I haven't seen Ann in quite some time, but I'm reminded of her every time a pick up the sports section in the paper.  I don't care that some of my friends saw me with her.  She did look cute - I think.  Anyway, they always knew that I don't like basketball and Kobe Bryant's breast are not nearly that big!  So Ann, wherever you are babe, just remember I love you.  But goddamn babe, Kobe Fucking Bryant?

I Have Arrived!

  As a sure sign that I have indeed arrived on the humor blogging scene, I was given my due position and right in the realm of the "all-stars" of humorous blogs. That's right! Chelle B. of The Offended Blogger approached me and began to beg me ( I pleaded with her) to give me one of the few and sacred spots on her list. She was relentless (someone else must have done my review). I kept turning her down until I finally caved in. I could not stand to hear her cry anymore (or was that me?).
  I shall be even funnier now that I'm a champion among champions! Although Chelle told me don't be too much funnier than I already am because after people read my stuff they'd just move on to another site thinking that nothing could top that (translation: kick it up a notch). Well, again I caved in. I'll keep my humor in check to an extent.
  So cheers to me and to the other humor bloggers that adorn the hall of fame of blogs known as humorbloggers.com. Now if only I could buy airtime on Air America. It's got to be cheap.-With unsurpassed humility, "The Great Don".

A Dell Smell At Wal*Mart

My two previous computers have been Dell. The one I'm using now is a Dell, and it's a good computer for the most part. Their service sucks as far as I'm concerned. This wasn't always the case with them. I've only tried to call them twice and both times it's when I've systematically screwed up the computer all by myself - without help from the manual too. That's besides the point. I want them to tell me how not to f*ck it up when I call.
Now, Wal*Mart is trying to work out a deal with Dell that will have Dell offer their customer service for their computers sold by WM. Look, I buy directly from Dell and it's hard enough to get satisfaction much less letting these computers purchased at WM into the mix. There goes the neighborhood. This service also includes Dell's attempt at doing the "Geek Squad" bit. They'll have "Solution Stations" instead. Oh brother. Will the service be any better? It's primarily in the Dallas area now. I hope it stays there too. I don't want these people calling Dell because they just dropped $500 on a piece of crap computer at Wal*Mart and taking up valuable time with an already maxed out customer service rep. Here's what we'll get:

1. "Uh, yeah Dell? This is Cletus. My computer I just got at Wal*Mart pops and then smokes when I turn it on. Is that normal?"
2. "Hey...will it hurt my computer if I turn it on after it just fell down a flight of stairs?"
3. "How many pieces is a processor supposed to come in?"
4. "Hello? Hello? Is this Dell sevice? Hello? Anybody there? Hey, my computer isn't working right. Can you fix it? I'm sorry, hello?"

Get my drift here? I guess Dell will join the ranks of Gateway, Compaq and some of the other old good ones. I think that I'll just make my own. Put the stuff in it that I want. That way I can call Dell and tell them that they suck! Followed by, "Do you service a computer that I put together myself?"-Just a thought-Don.

The China Syndrome-

  What's with the problems surrounding the Chinese women's gymnastic team? Big deal, so some of the girls "appear" to be under the limit of 16 years of age. So what? I mean look at He Kexin in the photo. She won a gold medal. Now does she really appear to be "illegal"? Come on now. Hell, she looks to me that she's at least 19. Maybe that's just due to the hard life she lives as a hooker in Mo Poon Tang during the off season.
  Personally, I'm more interested in how many American medal winners are going to have to cough up the iron because they get busted for doping. We may not know until they fess up twenty years from now though. Should be an interesting list. Do ping-pong winners dope for strength and stamina? What about sailing teams? It's bound to take a lot of strength to "man the lifeboats!" I don't know that I've ever seen them sweat though. You just have to watch and see that they don't try to get in an extra hit of caffeine before the race...those conniving sailor people and their hoity toity, la-dee-da friggin' attitudes towards rules. Ha!

  What about growth hormones? Are those illegal too? Now take the U.S. men's and women's basketball teams. Here in the motherland people who grow up in the 'hood are just naturally tall. They're that way so that they can play basketball and be good lookouts. They don't need growth supplements. The Chinese? Oh come on now. Yao Ming? That guy wasn't born to play basketball. He was given secret doses of super growth hormones to make him that way. He was born to play ping pong.
  Whatever you believe about the young girls in question, just remember that it's not the age of the competitor that counts. It's the quality of the steroids they use and how many crocodile tears they can shed when they say, "I'm sorry."-Just my opinion-Don.
 
 
 

The World's Greatest Store

There's more to the Web than just midget porn...!

Yeah Lady. I Like Baseball Too, But...

Late last night I was checking some email that had been sitting in ye olde maile box for about a day or so - stuff that I initially just skipped over (not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition. I know. Get over it!). A lady that landed on my blog was thinking that it had something to do with baseball. She told me that while she enjoyed it "somewhat", she honestly thought it was about baseball stats! Now lady I don't know who you are or where you got that idea...but you are the purpose for my blog's existence. MORON!
No where have I ever mentioned "the game." No where in my summaries or synopsis (synopsii ?) have I given a hint that my blog is about baseball. "Left Field"...get it lady?  Meaning far out, out there, wacko. "Beyond" meaning no hope for morons of your class. I'm sure you're really a nice person - though perhaps a few bricks shy of a load. You know? I mean your bread ain't quite done. Being a perfect gentleman, I will not let your visit go unrewarded . Lady, grab a handful of these balls and enjoy!-Don.

Fay - Will She or Won't She?

  Good old Mother Nature is experiencing her "period" again - for us anyway. She decides to belch, fart and otherwise let off a little steam by producing another potential hurricane. Fay has the potential to come into the Gulf of Mexico and hit us again. Ok, so be it...not to worry.
  Now I'm not about to rush out and stock up on the "essentials". You know, the obligatory bottles of water and extra batteries, etc. Hell, I've still got stuff left from Katrina, including a few MRE's. Today is the day that I normally shop at WalMart for groceries. I'm probably going to put that off until Monday. They'll be about 25% more people in an already packed store looking for batteries that were gone 3 days ago when it had only begun to rain in Jamaica.
  I'm not one for crowds at all. When Katrina threatened I was living in an apartment complex. It was packed with tenants. I couldn't even get to the pool half of the time (and in August, that's not good). Suddenly everyone left with the exception of me and about 10 others. Hell, it was great. I truly was the master of my domain...No water, no electricity, only the aforementioned MRE's to sustain my humble little existence. Oh yeah the pool. Used commonly for cooling off in 98 degree temps as well as "drawing" water for the necessary occasional flush.
  But the batteries and water and generator, plywood and more MRE's will have to wait for now. Problem is will Mother Nature?-Don.

Redneck Rendezvous and WalMart (6/21/08)

 Wow, so here's my bigoted rant for the week. I made my weekly journey to Wal-Mart today--a saturday. I've noticed that the last several jaunts I've been coaxed into making, there seems to be an order to the madness. Here's what I mean. There are two WM Supercenters and Sam's Club in town. The WM in the western part of town gets just the same old dull, blue collar, hard working, middle class shoppers. The southern WM attracts a very generous (hefty) shopping clientele that come in varying sizes and ethnic groups--if you consider 'redneck' an ethnic group. I do... Ok, so here's the deal. Today, is the day I refer to as Redneck Rendezvous. There must be every variety and hybrid on earth hit this place in a 24 hr. period, and it's on saturdays. These people insist on leaving their buggy in the middle of the aisle while they stare at the pictures on the cereal boxes for Christs' Sake. The women typically weigh in at about 250 lbs. and have their hosiery rolled down to their friggin' knees. The kids look like a bunch of little skinheads-sans the tattoos. I think. The old man must dress out at 280-300 lbs. at a minimum. He heads right for the fishing supplies and section where they sell the 50 lb. bags of dog food while all the kids are staring at the light fixtures that are 30ft. in the air. Finally, after struggling with three buggies worth of food in one buggy, they decide to check out. They head out of the door 20 minutes later after arguing about the price of a toilet sanitizer while one of the kids has to run back and get another bag of flour. Self-rising-not plain! He gets lost! To top it all off they don't even buy one single bag of popcorn, candy bar or beer. The shame of it all. I hope that your next trip to WM is just as entertaining. Happy shopping!-Don

  **Since I was unable to get a post in today, I put this one up that I published 6/21/08--

 

  I recently received the esteemed (my word choice) "kick ass blogger" award from Crotchety Old Man Yells At Cars--I shall proudly display this award in my trophy case (sidebar). However, 'tis now that I relinquish sole (not really) proprietorship without delay as I'm aware the world awaits...
  My five choices (for now) to receive the "kick ass blogger" award is as follows:

• http://daisysdeadair.blogspot.com/ "The first Deadhead feminist blog in existence." I've no doubt.
• http://thefourthring.blogspot.com/  The Hypocritical One ask, "Can an engineer be funny in a small town?" The answer is yes.
• http://jeffords.blogspot.com Jamie's "The Eye of Polyphemus" is an escape to reality...good reading.
• http://buwau98.blogspot.com "Discomfort Zone" from Buwau has some really cool things in store you.

I just realized that my fifth choice hasn't been updated in four months. I thought that I had read that Barack Obama was running for something...my bad!-Don.

"R" Word Stirs Up A "R"elentless "R"owdy "R"ant

When I first heard that the "R" word was being used incessantly in the new Ben Stiller flick "Tropic Thunder", I was underwhelmed. "What the hell is wrong with saying 'redneck?'" I asked. Big deal...ya know if the shoe fits. Then on a cable news network this morning there was a segment about the "R" word again, and again I couldn't figure out what was wrong with saying "redneck!" Don't tell me now that we have become so sensitive to the truth that we try to ignore it all the hell together (Southern-speak for 'in-toto'). I'm fed up! Redneck, redneck, redneck...! There, I said it. Are you driven to see a psychiatrist yet?
Soon after my ranting, I realized that the "R" word they were referring to was "retard." So now my good buddy, Blaine, is no longer retarded. He's intellectually diminished or deficient. Hell, I'd better tell him I guess. I wonder if this makes him any less retarded? But wait a minute, crap that means that Blaine is now an intellectually diminished working class southern citizen of the caucasion persuasion. It sure as hell is easier just to say retarded redneck. So now what? I grew up telling my friends that I know this really cool guy who is retarded - he takes off his left shoe to kick a football with his right foot...no fooling.
I suppose my buddy will just die one day not ever knowing that he didn't have to be retarded. All that needed to happen was be told that he was intellectually diminished, and that would have made it much better. Crap, maybe even normal. Oh well, shit happens I suppose. So from a redneck cracker to my intellectually stimulated readers, I say-That's just the way I see it-Don.

Bloodshot And Bearing It...

  It's that time of year again, and I'm not talking about Christmastime. Welcome the damned allergy season for me and God only knows how many others. When the azaleas bloom down here (about March) and then the ragweed - like NOW - it's the same old story... Stuffiness, itchy eyes and sneezing. You know the drill. The Benadryl that is. I'm not sure exactly what types of pollen that I'm  allergic too, and I don't care. When I see azaleas or ragweed I start choking down the antihistamines.  My nose has been broken a couple of times so the damned breathing part of my existence is already compromised. Then the hearing issues begin. Earaches occur just because some irritating little weed that no more resembles a rag than my ass grows everywhere that there's dirt!
  I stay away from inhalers altogether. Those damned things will really screw you up - I know...So, I do the injection-of-steroids thing along with some cheap drug. Little does it help. Basically, I'm just resigned to the fact that allergies are an ongoing process with me, and so it's just a "tough shit" situation. Sneeze, rub the bloodshot eyes so they'll become more irritated and wish the sharp pain in my ear would disappear along with the enormous pain in my ass! After I do that then I just kind of hang around and wait for blood to start gushing from my eyes, ears and nose. Well, a couple of more weeks of this misery and it'll be all over. I can clear my head and ears and my breathing will return to normal. Then I'll be able to really get a good nights sleep so that I can be prepared to do it all over again in a few months.-Long live winter-Don. 
 

What's With These Women?

  Elizabeth Edwards is just the latest "victim" of a philandering asshole and ego driven husband.  She claims to have known about John's affair for almost 2 years, yet she pretends to be deeply in love and uses that "stand by your man" crap as justification for still hanging in there. I think that perhaps her cancer has spread to her brain. Or perhaps it could just be the thought of losing her social and financial status among peers is too much to bear. In that case, I say screw you Liz. You get what you deserve...
  What the hell is it? Bill Clinton became a joke, among other things, due to the sheer number of his affairs, and there was old Hill..."stand by your man"! Rah, rah, rah! No telling how many women she's been with. They're still hopelessly married and not a damned thing to do with love. Sorry Chelsea, but it's all about the power and egos and money - not 'bout you kiddo.
  Don't forget Eliot Spitzer and his successor David Paterson. Former and current N.Y. governors and admitted cheaters. Both wives are still on board with their perspective "marriages". What a farce. Hell what about poor little Dina Matos McGreevey? Her husband was the N.J. governor that decided he must be gay because his favorite foods were/are sausage-on-a-stick and corn dogs. It came out that she was involved in threesomes with her hubby and their chauffeur. Naturally, they're still together...all three I suppose.
  Don't any of these gals have any damned true spirit, dignity, pride and just sheer "spunk" to slam that s.o.b. of a louse to the ground. I'm talking about "slamming" him literally as well as legally. If they choose to stay as so many do, then I don't give a damn about them or their illnesses or their "victim's" status or any other excuse that they may use to justify remaining in the marriage. Screw 'em all. Even if you have to cheat on your wife to do it.-it's all about the love-Don.

Ted Turner Demands Cease Fire!

    Ted Turner has called for an immediate ceasefire in the ongoing battle for the Atlanta suburb of S. Ossetia. Russia has already sent in troops to quell any uprising from the southerners. "The South Shall Rise Again" is the literal translation of the Ossetian battlecry. Turner meanwhile, whilst vacationing in the mountains, has offered to mediate any deals between the Russian and Georgian armies so long as CNN has exclusive rights to the coverage. The Russians seem interested; however, the southerners have little trust in CNN's ability to give impartial coverage of the negotiations.
  The Georgia Bulldogs football squad has fled across the border into South Carolina in hopes of brokering a deal with Steve Spurrier and the Gamecocks for refuge until the uprising ends. In the meantime, the Bulldogs have permission from Spurrier to carry on with their fall practices at the Columbia, S.C. school until further notice.-Don.

Why I Like Watching Eating Contest...

  The eating contest has become an icon in many parts of the country during the summer months. I gotta tell ya, these people crack me up. First of all they devour about 6 months worth of fat and cholesterol in one fell swoop. "A fell swoop" in this case being about 3 or 4 friggin' minutes! Secondly, look at the losers would you? The winners seem to be in pretty good shape - weight-wise...the losers are just a bunch of slobbering fat asses! Hell, they're gasping for air and sweaty before the damn thing even begins. Obviously they just don't train using the correct "workout" plan. What a bunch of lazy farts. I mean how much fun is it to watch a bunch of people eating themselves to near oblivion and then during some interview or photo-op, puke! Yeah, that makes for a lot of laughs. And think of all of the great memories to share with the family.

  Just when I think that people could not look any funnier, along comes another eating contest. Life is great! Thanks again for the laughs, but next time warn me before you throw up all over the Nike's you lard ass! And no, the paper plates don't count...-happy eating-Don.



 

  

To Air is Human--Pass the Lime...

  My central air conditioning unit has been slowly fading away the past several days. The bad news is that it cost a small fortune to get these things replaced. The badder news is that it is Sunday and nobody will come out to do a "quick" fix. The baddest news is today is supposed to be the hottest day of the year thus far. We're currently under heat advisories as I write this. However, there is one possible avenue not yet taken (except 1 time).

  I can think of several ways to cool off on a day like today. Stay inside - no, hell that's no good. Take a cold shower. Then you're hot again within minutes. Umm, how about a cold drink? Now that may not be the best avenue of attack, but it's the best one I can think of. I seem consumed with cold drinks today. Makes sense to me. I think it's the weather. Could be the fact that I like cold drinks too.

  By my logic, if I consume a cold mixed drink - cocktail when I'm with company - to cool off, then I'll need about 4 or 5 to get my core body temperature to a safe operating level. By that time I won't care whether the air conditioning is working or not. Ok. Got that figured out. Now about sleeping in this heat. No way!

  Sleeping in a hot room or even outside is torment. I did it 3 years ago after Katrina roared through. The temps were just as hot too. The difference then and now is - then, you didn't have a choice. Now however, I have one. Not much of one, but a choice nonetheless. I can go to a friends house where I can continue to cool down in a fashionable and fun manner. I can remain at my house tonight and hope that after "cooling" down by my prescribed  method I am basically wasted to the point that I wouldn't know if I were in Vladivostok. I like that idea best. So here's to the heat, the 'cocktails', my friends and last but not least - Vladivostok!-cheers and be cool-Don.

Weed(s) And More Weed

  "This Bud's for you." A few years ago this catch phrase would have had a different meaning, as I'm certain some of you would know. It's been a few years (very few) since I last indulged myself in some weed. I still cannot smoke the stuff without either coughing my head off or puking my guts out. Never have I just been able to take a few hits and sit back and enjoy. Oh well, being it's illegal I suppose I should be glad that I don't really care one way or the other about it. A cop buddy of mine did tell me that he'd never been called to break up a fight because the parties involved were high on pot. He went on to say that alcohol was the problem - not weed. Good point.

  I noticed the other day that about half of my potted plants are now full of weed(s) - the type you don't smoke. This is not good, and it pisses me off. What the hell happened here? It's no problem to pull a few weeds, but it always seems like when I want to show them off (the plants - not the weeds) that they're covered with some sort of ugly ass growth! Is there something safe that you can mix with the soil that will either control or just kill weeds and not plants/flowers? I'm not a pro at this stuff, but I do know that it's really changing my attitude toward certain aspects of nature. Like f*cking weeds for f*cking instance!

  If these weeds had some sort of practical use I could deal with them better. Something like smoking them. They're not even the type I can make tea out of, and that sucks. People are starving around the world and I'm concerned to the point of being pissed off about some potted plants...into each life a little rain must fall I suppose - just not on my stuff! Ok, my bitching for the day is over. It's time now to go take a dose of anti-bitching medicine. It's call a dirty martini...- just my observations about life, weeds and the pursuit of happiness-Don.