Want A Divorce? Here's How I Did It

My ex-wife the first was a complete control freak with a quick temper. As such, she was very easy to upset or just downright piss off. Like when we would go on vacations with the kids...I wouldn't stop when she claimed she needed to use a bathroom. She would get angry because of a little pain. Whine, whine, whine.

I'm like the polar opposite. I am so totally spontaneous. I don't know if my spontaneity causes my don't give a damn attitude or the reverse of that is true, but with her it was strictly her way or the highway. I spent a lot of time on that highway.

I wasn't the best of husbands either. Oh, I know...I know. That probably comes as a shock to most of you, but I really wasn't. Like at dinner once she says, "So how do you like the pork roast? It's a new recipe." I replied, "Really? This is pork?" Another time she's modeling a new dress for me. When she asked how she looked I said, "Well, you look okay, but that dress looks like shit." Wrong!

We were getting ready to go to a party once. She was always late and thus struggling to get ready. That was the first time I saw her hair in curlers. She looked at me and said, "Don't look at me. I don't look good now." That was my cue. I was supposed to say, "Oh no. You look really cute." I didn't...I agreed with her.

Damned if you do. Damned if you don't. I couldn't win with her. I disagreed...pissed her off. I agreed...pissed her off. Then one Sunday afternoon she asked me very politely if I wanted a divorce. I immediately said "yes." She said, "Are you serious?" "Hell yes!," I replied. That was the beginning of the rest of my life.

Now excuse me. I have to go use the bathroom.